Promises and good intentions
by Angua1
Summary: Yes more J/D but with political points too, I'm English so excuse the blatant mistakes
1. Default Chapter

Title: Promises and good intentions.

Spoilers: only seen series one over here (deprived) so unless you've never watched any of it, nothing really.

Disclaimer: they belong to the almighty Sorkin and I wouldn't even presume to own them! Well…maybe Josh (in my dreams!! Hehehe)

Notes: An attempt at something that mixes political with J/D angst. I'm English so bare with me on the huge mistakes I will make to do with U.S. law, what I know is from the WW and Encarta. Also, I know extremely little about dealing with cancer and the treatments involved, so I apologise if this is total rubbish.

****

Monday:

"Is that Coffee I smell?"

"Yep."

"Is it mine?" he asks hopefully, I smile ruefully while still carefully studying my computer screen as he stands behind me leaning against his doorway, I don't have to see him, I know what he's doing.

"Nope"

"Why not?" he whines

"Because, I will never get you coffee, I never have, never will." I say cheerfully

"Do you have to be so peppy?"

"I'm being peppy?"

"Yes." 

"You think of me as a dippy cheerleader?" you could almost hear his brain working saying, if I tell her yes then there's no chance of getting a cup of coffee.

"No, but you were talking in a very cheerful voice and I decided to use the word peppy, it was not meant in anyway to be derogatory or to say you are like a cheerleader."

"You should choose your words better, specially with a 180 SAT score baby!" I say doing a not bad impression of him.

"Why do I get the feeling I should never have said that to you."

"Because you shouldn't have, but it's already out there now, so deal."

"Call the cops, it's already out there!" he says his voice getting louder

"So now you're Harry?"

"What?"

"Harry, in when Harry met Sally." I say as if it should be obvious to him what I mean, it is to me!

"Once again Donna you have found yet another way to confuse me beyond all expectations. What does When Harry Met Sally have to do with dealing with your making fun of my SAT scores?" I sigh

"In When Harry Met Sally, Harry makes a pass at Sally when they're driving to New York from Chicago after graduation. She takes it badly so he says he'll take it back. She says he can't take it back because it's already out there. Then…. He says exactly what you said."

"I see. Donna?"

"Yes?"

"You've watched this movie way too many times."

"No, I just pay attention during movies, I don't fall asleep after the opening credits." I turn to give him a sly look.

"That only happened once! Plus I'd had 3 beers already."

"Two more than you can usually manage."

"Hey!"

"Face it you have a delicate system."

"Never!"

"Fine, then next time I'll let you drink as much as you want and in the morning we'll discuss whether you have a delicate system or not." he makes a humph noise and is about to walk back into his office when the phone rings.

"Hello, Joshua Lyman's' office, how can I help you?" 

"Uh, hello?"

"Dad?" Dad? But he never rings. My voice must have shown my concern and surprise because Josh stopped in the doorway and came back to my desk.

"Donna? I'm sorry to call you at work…"

"It's ok, what's wrong?"

"It's your mother, now don't go getting in a state, she's had a bit of an episode." I waited for him to go on but he just sat in silence at the other end of the phone, my Dad had never been any good with phones.

"An episode?" I was impatient to hear what he was trying to tell me and could only just hide the irritation in my voice.

"She was at Mickey's, the grocery? Well she was walking up to the check-out and collapsed."

"Oh God." I whispered. I suddenly realised that Josh was standing right next to me and that his eyes were full of concern, I turned back to my computer screen.

"Is she ok?"

"We're at the hospital, they're just being careful, in case she has a concussion. She hit her head pretty hard." I sighed but I still felt tense, nervous in case he said something to remove my short-term relief.

"That's good, better to be safe than sorry," I say trying to sound cheerful

"Yeah." he mumbles back "They're also want to do some tests, see why she collapsed."  
"Why?" the tension rising again in my voice

"Well, it's just to be safe, just a precaution the doctor said." he wasn't really talking to her anymore; he was trying to convince himself.

"Do they think it may have been more than her fainting?"

"I don't know, they just said they were going to do a few tests just to make sure. Something about a CAP scan?"

"A CAT scan?" my voice was wavering now, my mom was having a CAT scan? I felt Josh's hand rest on my shoulder, I was glad he was there right then.

"That's it. Look Donna, don't worry. They'll keep her over night for observation and she'll be home tomorrow."

"You get her to call me tomorrow ok?" 

"Sure."

"K…I'll see you Dad."

"Yeah, bye."

"Love you, say hi to mom for me."

"I will." and with that he hung up. I slowly pulled the phone back in its cradle as Josh knelt down next to me.

"What's happened?" 

"My mom… she had an accident. She collapsed at the store. Hit her head." I sat there, wondering why I was talking in short sentences; it felt like that was all my brain could compute.

"But she's going to be ok?"

"They're going to do some tests, you know just to make sure, and keep her in overnight."

"Well then, don't worry yourself too much. If your mothers anything like you she's a tough cookie and she'll be fine, just with a bit of a bump on her head." I couldn't help but smile and maybe I stared into Josh's eyes for a fraction longer than I should of. No, he didn't mean it like that, and you didn't want him to mean it like that, just forget it, don't start getting ideas.

"Thanks Josh."

"What for?" damn he was cute when he didn't realise he was being noble…no, no, not cute! Josh is not cute, ever, never ever, Josh not cute.

"For being here I guess." he leaned over and gave me a hug.

"That's what kind bosses do for their assistants…especially if it means they might get a cup of coffee?"

"Not a chance." I say smiling again.

"Worth a try." he said as he went back into his office. Josh is right, I thought, she'll be fine. They're just taking precautions, I shouldn't be worried. I returned to the memo I was typing and the rest of the day passed pretty much as normal, well as normal as things ever get in the west wing. 


	2. Chapter 2

****

Tuesday:

"Has your mom rung?" I look up as Josh walks out of his office, surprised he didn't just yell.

"Huh?"

"Your mom? She was going to call?"

"Yeah… no I haven't heard anything. She may not be back from the hospital yet, you know how they can be about discharging people." I said trying to smile and make light of it, but I knew he could tell that I was worried sick. Why hadn't they rung, it was after lunch, surely they should have got home by now. I'd checked my answer machine at home five times but nothing. Maybe they just didn't want to disturb me at work again, they'd always been worried they might be taking me away from some national emergency. Though the only one they had was when Josh had tried to fight with his desk and yet again lost.

"They'll probably ring when you get home, probably don't want to disturb you during work." I laughed slightly at the fact we had both hoped the same thing

"Yeah, probably."

"Why don't you call them?"

"Because then it'll look like I'm worrying."

"So?"

"Well…." I couldn't think of a reason why this was bad, so I nodded and picked up the phone and dialled. I sat there looking at Josh while the phone rang…and rang…and rang…and rang.

"There's nobody there." I said

"Don't worry yet. Ring back in an hour. Maybe they went out to lunch, or stopped to do some shopping." I nodded but couldn't agree. Something was wrong. I didn't have to wait long to find out what it was.

Half an hour later I was about to go to the photocopier when the phone rang, I lunged at it as I had every time it had rang all day.

"Hello?"

"Donna?"

"Dad? Where's mom? Is she ok? I thought she was going to ring me."

"Donna…" I knew something was wrong, he didn't even have to say anything more than that, I felt myself begin to shiver and I could already feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"The doctors did that CAT scan…they say…they say she has a tumour. They don't know if it's cancer yet. They're going to do a biopsy."

"Oh God."

"Nothings certain, it could be benign. They think that's why she had the episode in Mickey's." I felt irritated about the way he kept calling it an "episode" as if it was just a silly little thing, but it wasn't, she had…she had something growing in her brain that wasn't supposed to be.

"I'm coming home."

"No, no. I talked to your mom. She says she's not dying and that you should stay in Washington."

"But Dad!"

"Look, I'll tell you what happens with the biopsy but right now it won't do any good to have you here, if you're here your mother will get into even more of a state than she already is."

"You'll ring me tonight? Just to check up?"

"Of coarse, sweetie."

"Tell mom I love her ok?"

"I will, don't worry."

"Ok." Don't worry? How the hell am I supposed to not worry? My mum may just have cancer.

"It's just annoying."

"What?"

"Well, you're mom has been complaining of headaches, when she went to the doctor he was going to give her some tests, but the HMO wouldn't let him. He didn't seem too bothered, said it was probably just migraine."

"Why didn't you tell me about this before?"

"Well the doctor was sure it was nothing, so we didn't think it was anything to worry about." he sounded defensive and already I felt awful for snapping at him

"I'm sorry dad, I didn't mean to snap at you."

"It's ok, sweetie. I'll call you tonight ok?"

"Ok, bye dad." After hanging up I walked into Josh's empty office, he was off at some meeting on the Hill, shut the door and sat and cried in his chair.

***

"Donna, why is it that whenever I come back to my office you are in here, not doing any…" he stopped half way through the door when he saw the tearstains running down my face.

"What's happened?" he said as he quickly moved to me and knelt by the chair. I was so upset, I needed to feel secure. I reached out to him and sobbed into his shoulder as he hugged me tight and whispered that I was ok. But I wasn't. After what seemed like forever I moved away and wiped away the next round of tears that were beginning to form.

"What happened?" he asked again, the concern in his eyes almost overwhelming me again.

"My mom…she has, has a tumour, in her brain." he stepped back slightly, unsure of what to say. I could almost see him remembering the night of the Illinois Primary when I had to tell him his father had just died, he'd been fighting cancer too, though in the end it wasn't the cancer that killed him. 

"Is it cancer?" he asked as carefully as he could, trying not to set me off crying again.

"They don't know yet, they're going to do a biopsy." he nodded his head. He knew it all already.

"I'm sorry…Josh I should have been, I mean I haven't done half the work you asked me to do. I'm sorry, I just…"

"Hush!" he said holding her again, "It doesn't matter. Don't worry about it."

"Ok." I mumbled

"Do you want me to take you home?" I nodded. I felt drained, it was only 5:00, not anywhere near when I usually got away but I couldn't stay there any longer. I let Josh help me up and out of the office, not even noticing the stares and whispers that followed our exit.

Josh opened my front door and took me to the couch where he placed me as he carried onto the kitchen.

"Tea, it's the best thing for any type of situation…or so my mother says." I smile half-heartedly. He returns a few minutes later with my favourite giant mug full of sweet smelling tea. He was right, just holding it made you feel better, or maybe it was Josh's arm which had found it's way around my shoulders and was the most welcome feeling in the world, just for it being there.

"Thank you." I said, he smiled

"It's ok, you were no good for work anyway." I try and laugh and half-heartedly hit him. We sit there for what seems like hours. I sit there hoping that this moment will never end, away from the world outside and the tumour growing in my mothers brain, just sat here with Josh.

"Why didn't they give her the tests?" I said finally

"Sorry?"

"Mom, she went to the doctor about these headaches she was getting. He was going to do some tests but the Health Management Organisation they're doctor belongs to wouldn't let him. If they had just…maybe… I don't know." Josh sat in silence; I looked over at him, his eyes deep in thought. It had always amazed me, the rest of him could be doing fifty other things but if you looked at his eyes, you could see that really he was only focussing on one thing, that something else was on his mind.

"What are you thinking?"

"Oh, nothing. Do you know why they didn't do the tests?"

"No, my dad just mentioned it on the phone, they hadn't even told me she'd been suffering from headaches." then we just sat there.


	3. Chapter 3

****

Wednesday:

"Donna, could you get me the report from McKenzie?"

"Sure." I said as I moved to the filing cabinet, I didn't realise Josh had followed me until I turned around and tried to walk through him.

"Sorry" he looked me straight in the eye "How are you?"

"Ok, as good as can be expected." I said trying to smile.

"Any news."

"The biopsy results will be back this afternoon, we just have to wait." I couldn't help but sigh, "I just wish I could be there!"

"See how things go, ok? If you're there it might just upset your mom even more." I couldn't help but laugh,

"What?" he asked bemused

"Just that's exactly what my dad said."

"Well, he's obviously a very smart man." he said straightening his tie trying to look distinguished, I couldn't help but laugh.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"Why would the HMO stop my mom from having those tests?" It had been playing on my mind all night since Josh had left and had been nagging away all day.

"Well… they have their own agendas, because they're profit making organisations they would rather not fork out a lot for very expensive tests if they can get away with it. Most HMO's are in pretty big trouble, close to bankruptcy, we have to support them a lot. So to keep things tight they often refuse tests which they see as unnecessary."

"But that's not fair, if the tests had been done they may have already found that thing!" I almost spat the words out unable to say tumour, "Peoples health shouldn't be compromised for profits."

"True but at the moment that's the system we have, and they do a lot of good work."

"Yeah, they've worked real hard for my mom, if she hadn't hit her head so hard they would never have done the CAT scan." 

"Yeah we don't exactly have the best health system in the world." he said giving a mirthless laugh

"So what are you planning to do about it?" I asked, my voice hard and my stare intense, it seemed to take Josh back a little.

"What?"

"Well, excuse me but you are the Deputy Chief of Staff at the White House, you are part of our beloved government. The President should be doing something about this." Josh grimaced

"It's more complicated than that…"

"No it's not, it's not Josh! This isn't me complaining about never getting any of my taxes back, this is a serious problem with our country."

"Yeah but…"

"Hey guys!" Sam said cheerfully interrupting the argument and not realising till too late what he'd just stepped into.

"I thought you guys wanted to change the nature of democracy or was that just bull shit?!" they both look at me dumbfounded, this is not the Donna they both know. I sigh in frustration and then grab my coat,

"I'm going out to lunch, I'll be back by one, k?"

"Yeah, sure." Josh still sounded like he was in shock but I wasn't interested, I was pissed off!

I march out of the bullpen and can already envisage Sam giving Josh a bemused look and asking what that was all about. Well I didn't care. Why wouldn't they help? Why wouldn't Josh help? Why isn't he leaping into action?

***

I returned to the office to find Josh's door shut, I couldn't help but smile slightly, he was hiding from me. But then I remembered why and reminded myself that I was still angry with him. I sat down and began going through a pile of notes, collating and reorganising them. I was deep into my work when the phone rang. I checked my watch to see that it was 2:30; my parents would just have got the results. It had to be them; I let it ring for a little longer as I worked up the courage to answer. Finally I picked up the phone,

"Hello?"

"Hello, sweetie." my dads voice sounded kind and quiet, I knew it was bad news

"Hi, so what did the doctors say?" I try and sound brave, forcing my voice to stay stronger and not waver and break like I could feel it almost doing.

"Sweetie it's not good." I let out a little cry as the tears started falling, "It's cancer."

"Oh, dad!" it was all I could say

"You're mom's pretty shaken, but they say that they've probably caught it early and are going to try and operate, to take it out."

"That's good." I say, though I don't believe it. My mom, the woman who to me has always been indestructible has cancer, has to have brain surgery, could die!

"Yeah. Do you want to talk to your mom?"

"Sure." I wait as he passes the phone over,

"Donna?" her voice is shaky and I can tell she's terrified; it scares me more than anything I've heard so far.

"Hey mom!" say trying to sound upbeat. In the back of my mind I hear a door open behind me, but that's not my priority right now.

"Hey sweetie. Are you ok?" I laugh, but it's more like a hysterical cry

"Yeah I'm fine. How are you holding up?"

"The doctor says they can operate, which is good. I'll have a slight hair disaster but I can live with it."

"That's good." I say for the second time, it's more like I'm trying to convince myself, "Do you want me to come down?"

"Oh no, no dear. You stay where you are, you're needed there. I'm going to be fine, ok? Your dad's here and so is Sarah. I'll be fine." I was glad my sister still lived near-by, that it wouldn't just be my dad dealing with this, but still I wanted to be there.

"I still would like to be there."

"I know honey. But it would be too much. After the operation, come down for a week, if your boss can let you come."

"Ok, I'd like to come home for a bit."

"Well, we'll make it a date." she said trying to sound cheerful, using her old trade mark saying which made me feel twelve years old again.

"Yeah mom. I love you so much!"

"I love you too dear!" her voice was starting to shatter and I could tell she was barely keeping control.

"Bye, mom."

"Bye, sweetie."

"Ring me every night, k?"

"We will don't worry."

"Bye." I put the phone down and turned around to Josh, he was waiting with immense feeling in his eyes, that I just couldn't stay strong anymore,

"She has cancer!" I wailed as he rushed over to me and held me in his arms. 

"I'm sorry, Donna. I'm so sorry."

"Donna? What's happened?" CJ's voice cut through my screaming emotions and I looked up to see her stood next to Josh and me with a very anxious expression on her face.

"She just found out her mum has a brain tumour, its cancer." Josh answered for me, knowing I wouldn't be able to say the words myself.

"Oh God, Donna! I'm so sorry! Is there anything I can do?"

"Thanks, but unless you can create miracles then no." I said it trying to smile through the pain, then a thought struck me, "You know, there is something you can do, you can both do."

"What?" CJ asked

"You can stop this happening again. You can get rid of the fucking HMO's which stopped my mom being diagnosed earlier." CJ didn't know what to say and so just took over from Josh and gave me a huge hug. But that wasn't what I wanted, I wanted something done. Josh stood back and you could tell he was deep in thought.

"Do you want me to take you home?" CJ asked, 

"I'll take her." Josh said coming back from whatever thoughts he'd had. CJ nodded and she helped me into my coat and carried out my things as for the second day in a row Josh led me to his car and drove me home. When we arrived at my apartment and Josh had again deposited me on the couch with a cup of tea clutched in my hands when he finally spoke,

"Are you going down there?"

"She doesn't want me there right now, I'm going to go down after the operation some time for a week…if that's ok?"

"Of coarse!" he said, sounding like he was surprised I'd even asked, "Do they think the operation will work?" he asked as delicately as he could.

"Maybe, I don't know. Dad said they seemed to think they caught it fairly early. But it could have been earlier."

"Look, don't get yourself in a state over what could have been done, it's easy to look at these things in hindsight." I nodded, he was right but it was still wrong that she hadn't had those tests. "Look don't dwell on the HMO's right now, just stay focused on your mother because she needs you, even if it's only on the phone. The best thing to do is try and get on with your life and be there when she needs you. That's what she wants." he was right of coarse and I can't say I wasn't slightly taken aback by how profound and right he was being.

"I hate it when you're right." I say trying to lighten things

"Then you must hate me an awful lot!"

"Not really." I say nonchalantly 

"Hey, I don't get things wrong all the time… granted sometimes" he says and we both laugh a little, it's good to just banter with him.

"This tea is good."

"Well you see it's a Lyman tradition. A cup of tea will sort out any kind of crisis. Of coarse coffee is even better but then I didn't want you to think I was going to start bringing you coffee when you've never done so for me."

"It's the principal."

"Fine." he says smiling, he looks at me and our eyes connect for a fraction too long. It would be so easy to just move closer and… But we break away before we get that close, it would just be a stupid thing to do, we both know that.

"I have to get back, that meeting with Leo." he says finally, he sounds reluctant to go but I know he's still got to run the country.

"I'll be there tomorrow"

"Don't worry if you don't feel up to it ok? I'm serious, if you're still feeling… fragile, stay at home. I can cope."

"Yeah right."

"I can!"

"I'll be in, don't worry. It'll keep me busy." he smiled

"See you tomorrow then." he said as he closed my front door behind him and I stayed sat on my couch watching mindless daytime TV.

****

**__**

Back at the office:

"Hey!" Sam called as he saw Josh walk through the entrance, past the security guards who barely looked at him now they knew who he was.

"Hey." Josh answered though not quite as energetically as Sam

"You ok? The meeting on the Hill was pretty long!"

"No, I just took Donna home."

"She ok?"

"She's…ok, she just found out her mom has brain cancer."

"Woah! How's she holding up?"

"She's doing ok, I think she's fairly shocked though, it's hard when someone you thought invincible becomes ill, shatters a lot of illusions." Sam knew Josh was talking about his father and just nodded as they continued walking towards Josh's office. When they walked in Sam sighed,

"Look, I'm sorry to dump this on you now…"

"What?!" Josh already dreading what was going to come next

"We have a problem with a couple of senators."

"Which ones?"

"Bruckheist and Seligman."

"What's they're problem?" Josh was shocked they were usually two of their best supporters.

"It's about nationalising the HMO's." Josh sat back in his chair and let out a blast of air.

"Which is just what we want to be dealing with now."

"Tell me about it."

"Does Leo know yet?"

"Nope, but seeing as you're…" Sam gave him a sheepish look, he hated giving Leo bad news, he always felt like he was back at high school with his scary old history teacher.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll tell him when I go later. CJ knows." it was more of a statement than a question, if she didn't she was about to get pounced on in the afternoon press briefing.

"She knows."

"Good." Josh looked down at some papers on his desk. "I'll see what Leo wants to do, but I suspect he'll want us to get Bruckheist and Seligman in for a little chat, see if we can get them to shut up." Josh looked back up at Sam, "What exactly did they say anyway?"

"That the President was letting his fellow citizens be murdered by corrupt and power hungry companies more concerned with profit margins than a patients life." Josh stared at him

"Well, at least they didn't say it was the President who was murdering them."

"Well actually…"

"Don't say it!"

"Seligman said that a little later on."

"I said don't say it!"

"Sorry."

"You realise what this will do?"

"Put an issue on the table we have done well at keeping off the public agenda because it would seriously embarrass us and cause the President some fairly major pain in the polls?"

"Yes, but I mean Donna. Her mothers just been diagnosed with cancer which could have been diagnosed weeks ago if it weren't for the hospitals HMO. How's it going to look to her when she sees us trying to bury the issue?" Josh looked up at Sam almost desperately. What Donna felt or cared about, to Josh, was almost as important to him as keeping the President in the White House, sometimes much more important. Sam looked at him with something that Josh thought looked like pity but he dismissed it.

"I dunno, Josh. I guess that's something you can deal with tomorrow. Right now we need to sort out the problem."

"Yeah…" Josh looked distant

"What?"

"What if she's right? I mean, she is right. We should be trying to sort this out."

"I know." Sam said kindly "But right now is not the time for that battle buddy." Josh smiled and Sam went back to his office.

Sam was right of course, it was just really difficult to admit it.


	4. Chapter 4

****

Thursday:

"Did you know that they just found a new species of spider under Windsor Castle?"

"You know Donna, I didn't, but then some of us spend our time looking at things more important than royal spiders.

"They're red and black and extremely venomous." I say carrying on despite his put down, it wasn't even original anymore.

"Donna?"

"Yeah?"

"What's this got to do with anything?" he said, his face screwed up in confusion, I couldn't help but grin at how easily it was to confuse him. I follow him as he charges into his office and gives his computer an evil look, he already hit it twice this morning.

"Nothing."

"Ok." he said slowly, unsure of what to do, "You know you're weird right?"

"It's working here, with you."

"Hey I'm not that bad, most people I work with don't start babbling about poisonous spiders under Windsor Castle… hang on, this isn't another plot to get me to take you to London, is it?" I swing my arms like a little girl,

"No, Windsor isn't in London"

"It isn't?"

"No, contrary to most peoples belief, not everything in Britain is in or near London there is a little bit in the north and further south as well."

"Hey, I've been to Britain."

"When? And why wasn't I there too?" I chided him

"Well, I kinda didn't know who you were…aaah, good times."

"Careful!"

"I went with Mandy."

"Oh, right." K, so I hate her, but that has absolutely nothing to do with Josh and her, just that she's… an evil person. Josh seemed to notice my change in tone and moved things along.

"You ever been?"

"Where?"

"London, I mean Britain?"

"No, but as the kind boss you are…" I say as he moves towards the door

"In your dreams, Donna!" he yelled as he walked out the door and off to another meeting.

****

"Donna?"

"Hey, Margaret. Everything ok?" I knew it was, but Margaret always looked as if she was terrified someone might just jump out on her, especially if she left her little area of the White House

"Yeah, Leo wants to know if Josh has the file on HMO's?"

"HMO's?" my spirits lift, maybe Josh is going to really do something

"Yeah, two senators are trying to kick up a fuss, I need the opposition file that Josh was finishing." Opposition? I guess not, I think bitterly to myself. 

"No, sorry. I don't know anything about it, I'll get Josh to find it for you when he gets back from his meeting." I said slightly distantly.

"Ok, you still coming out on Saturday night?" Oh God, I'd completely forgotten, the girls night out! Now that was something I wasn't up to right now, plus I was terrified of being away from a phone for more than ten minutes in case my parents rang.

"Sorry, Margaret. I completely forgot, I have an old friend from home coming down for the weekend."

"Well she… or he can come with us," she said trying to give Donna a sly smile.

"No, I don't think it would be HER scene, she's always been really shy, it took me forever to get her to come up here in the first place." Margaret shrugged and wandered off. I hated lying but I just didn't want to tell her the truth, I knew she'd try and drag me out anyway. Then my mind came back to Josh, an opposition paper against HMO's? What the hell was he doing?

I waited till he had gone passed my desk saying a brisk hello before I charged into his office after him. He didn't quite get what was going on until I slammed the door behind me.

"You ok?" he asked tentatively, looking at me like I was an unexploded bomb, well he was right there.

"Margaret came to see me earlier."

"Oh?"

"Leo wants that opposition paper on HMO's!"

"Oh." he said, not able to look me in the face.

"Oh! Josh! How could you! Why are you digging this up now?"

"I'm not, someone else is!"

"Who?"

"Senators Seligman and Bruckheist."

"What are they saying?" he cringed and let out a puff of air before he spoke,

"That we should begin nationalisation of the Health Management Organisations."

"And you're disagreeing!!!!!" I was shocked

"Yes." he said so quietly I barely even heard him.

"Why!? Tell me one good reason why putting peoples health above profit margins is a bad thing!?" I was almost screaming but I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"It's more complicated than that."

"How!? You said that before, but it doesn't mean a thing. I don't see how this is complicated at all."

"You should go join Seligman you'd make the perfect spokesman." 

"Maybe I should!" I said storming out, I heard him rise out of his chair as if to follow me but I carried on to the women's' loos, he couldn't follow me in there! I was so angry how could he do this! This wasn't the Josh I knew, why wasn't he fighting in my corner. What was he trying so desperately to hide, "It's more complicated than that", what did that mean? I was absolutely furious, my mother had been misdiagnosed because of the HMO's and Josh was defending them! I sat in there for a long time and when I finally went back to my desk Josh's door was shut.


	5. Chapter 5

****

Week 2: Monday

The rest of the week had gone by fairly quietly. I was still angry with Josh and we only spoke when we had to for that last day and a half, I was glad to be going home for the weekend, something that was unusual for me (I always ended up staying at work over the weekend, God I was turning into a Josh). My mom had her operation on the Friday and she had been fine, it was a success. We just had to wait now and see if the cancer had spread. I was sure it hadn't, or I was trying to convince myself that it hadn't spread, if it had it meant basically that nothing else could be done. 

I walked into the office looking fairly awful; I had barely slept that night as today my mom was supposed to get the results about whether it had spread or not. I kept listening in my head to my dads voice on the phone, he sounded so fragile. I wasn't sure if he could take much more never mind my mom. They had been through tough times but they had never stopped loving each other and even now they could still look like a couple of teenagers, holding hands giving each other little kisses. It was how I had always imagined falling in love would be like and I hoped and prayed that I would find something just as beautiful. Yet it was this that was tearing my father apart, he couldn't stand seeing my mother like this, I just couldn't wait to get up there when this was all over.

As I walked over to my desk I noticed that there was a huge bouquet of flowers on my desk, Josh's door was shut and no one else was around. I walked over and looked at the card, as I stared at it Carol appeared behind me,

"Ooh, and who's your secret admirer?" she asked playfully

"It's the President," I said and she laughed as she carried on towards the Pressroom. I looked at the card again; it was from Josh, it said

"I'm sorry about Thursday, please forgive me! I'll never ask for coffee again!" I couldn't help but smile and walked into his office to be nice to him, but he wasn't there. Oh well, I'll thank him later, just then the phone rang.

****

"Josh, how're we doing with Bruckheist and Seligman?" the President asked as he stared at him over his usual collection of papers. They were all in the Oval Office for the beginning of the week meeting.

"Well, it's going to get difficult, they're still not happy. For now, they won't say anything but I don't know how long that's going to last."

"Mmm" was all the President said.

"Sir, we've all been working on this but…" Leo stopped for a second, already Bartlet could tell there was going to be problems

"What?"

"I don't think this is going to go away."

"Why not?"

"Because so far we've been lucky." Sam pointed out, "We've kept people busy with gun control and Mendoza for good or bad has kept the press fairly busy till recently. Now…well I think we are not going to be able to beat it down again."

"Mr. President, the press are not going to let you go on this one." CJ chimed in.

"We can't say anything."

"Mr. President…" Josh started

"I'm sorry Josh we cannot get into this debate because we will lose, and we will lose hard. Am I understood?" he looked up at them all, they looked glum but they understood. "Right what's next?"

"Tony Blair…" Leo started

"Oh, God…what's he said now?"

"He disagrees with our policy in the Middle East, but as usual he put it in the most polite terms as possible, i.e. everybody on the planet got the drift." Toby said, speaking for the first time that morning.

"This isn't unusual, I'll chat with him tonight, ok?"

"Yep." Leo nodded as he turned over to his next page.

"What's next?" the President asked, but before Leo could speak they could all hear the sound of heated voice outside the Oval Office, it sounded like two women shouting.

"What is going on out there?" the President asked as Sam went to the door to check it out, as soon as he opened the door Donna burst through with Mrs. Landingham in hot pursuit.

"Donna!?" Josh asked, shocked by her sudden appearance.

"I'm sorry Mr. President, she demanded to see you and the senior staff." the President looked at Donna, tears were streaming down her face and she looked devastated and furious at the same time, he turned to Josh and saw how desperate he was to go over to her but couldn't.

"It's ok Mrs. Landingham, I'll take it from here." Mrs. Landingham nodded and gave Donna a fairly evil look as she walked out the door and closed it.

"Donna? How can I help you?"

"I just had two phone calls." she looked directly at Josh, "My mother has cancer, she had brain surgery on Friday and we were supposed to find out whether the cancer had spread today, well I did. It has."

"Donna, I'm so -" Josh started but Donna cut him off, holding her hand in the air to stop him.

"But it could be ok, there is a new drug out there, which has been very successful apparently. So things are looking up. But I then got another call, there's a problem. The hospitals HMO will not give my mother the fucking drug which could very well save her life, because and this is the best bit, it would cost them too much!" her voice was high now, almost hysterical.

"Donna, I'm…" the President started but didn't know how to finish.

"No, I don't want to hear that you're sorry, you're the President of the United States, you're the one who's supposed to stop this kind of thing happening, letting patients die in favour of bigger profits. My mother is going to die Mr. President and you are trying to bury the issue. And please don't tell me it's more complicated than that, because it isn't. Either you follow your conscience or you decide to ignore an extremely important issue because you might lose a few points in the polls. I thought Mandy's memo had taught you all something, I thought that you were going to fight these battle, make good on the promises you told us all, that I believed in when I joined the campaign. Or is it just that we're going to fight the battles that aren't too dangerous but just enough to make it look like we're trying. You're President of the United States, your job is to make our country better, not worry about being elected as second time. The whole point of being elected is that while you're there you do something! Don't just sit there burying the big issues and making fools out of us all. I am utterly ashamed to say I work for this administration! You are letting my mother die, and you're letting thousands of others die because you are supporting a system of HMO's which…are money grabbing murderers!" Finally she stopped, but she didn't give any of them the chance to say a word as she fled out the door before they could even begin. Once the door had shut behind her, they sat there half in shock half in shame. All their heads were bowed ashamed to even look at each other, except Josh who was staring at the door, quickly he stood up,

"Mr. President, is it ok if I…." Bartlet waved him off and turned back to his shoes. Josh rushed out the door and left the others to their silence.

The rest of the White House was the same as always, not knowing what had just happened in the Oval Office, he almost ran to his office. When he finally got there, he couldn't see Donna anywhere, he went into his office in case she was there and saw that the bouquet of flowers he had sent were dumped upside down in his bin, and there was an envelope on top of the piles of work on his desk. He slowed down and walked over to his desk and picked up the envelope, it was addressed to him and so he tore it open and began to read. Half way down the page he stopped reading and ran out of the office towards the main exit. He ran out of the building and towards the car park and got there just in time to see Donna disappear in a cab. 

Josh turned back towards the building to see Sam walking towards him,

"What happened?" he asked looking concerned for his friend and Donna.

"She's gone." Josh said slowly as if unable to believe it himself.

"I know, I just saw her go."

"No, I mean she's gone! She quit, she resigned, she left. For good. She said she couldn't work with people like us anymore." Josh stared at the floor and slowly walked back inside. Sam watched him for a few moments and then followed.


	6. Chapter 6

****

Three weeks later: Tuesday.

It was three weeks before he finally came to Wisconsin, I had not expected him, in fact I had been too busy to really think about the past month at all. My mother was seriously ill and was deteriorating fast, the doctors didn't think she had much longer to live, they gave her a month, maybe two at a stretch. My time had been spent looking after my mom and my dad who was in almost as bad a shape as mom. He didn't know what to do, he didn't know how to help, what to say, how to deal with the love of his life dying. It was bad enough watching my mom die but I could see that my father wouldn't last long after she died, he didn't know life without her. All the day was spent looking after my mom and at night when she finally went to sleep I only had enough energy to cry myself to sleep and think about what a mess everything was.

He came at 2:00 in the afternoon. I had just finished clearing away the dishes from lunch with my sister when the doorbell rang. I went to the door to see who it was, expecting yet another well wisher with yet another bunch of flowers or bowl of fruit. But it was Josh, looking very sheepish,

"Hi." he said quietly

"Hi… what do you want?" I said slightly shocked to find him on our doorstep, but still trying to sound angry with him.

"I came to apologise, to talk." I looked over his face and I could see he meant it but then he had always looked like that and then when I had really needed his help Josh had turned his back on me. 

"I thought we'd done that in the Oval Office."

"No, you talked, and we all listened. We really listened, but now its time to talk properly." he stood in the doorway as I looked over my choices, I couldn't really turf him out when he'd come all the way from D.C.,

"Come in then." I mumbled

"Thanks." I moved out of the doorway as he climbed the little step and entered my home. It felt weird to see him there, he'd been to my apartment in D.C. plenty of times but he'd never been here. I watched as he looked around the living room, sizing everything up,

"How's you're mom doing?" he asked, his eyes full of concern again.

"Not good, they say a month maybe two at the most."

"How's your dad?"

"He's not taking it well but we're managing, and my sister is here too so…" Josh nodded, we both stood in silence, unsure of what to stay, usually we never had enough hours in the day to say all we wanted but today there was just silence.

"How are you holding up?" he finally asks

"Ok, as good as can be I suppose." I say shrugging my shoulders.

"When are you coming back?"

"I'm not."

"But Donna…"

"Did you read my letter of resignation?"

"Yes, but I was hoping maybe you'd had time to change your mind."

"I haven't, and I'm not going to."

"The office isn't the same without you."

"You'll cope I'm sure." the whole conversation was said quietly but from both of us there was an undertone of anger and emotion.

"It's been hell." He said slumping into the old armchair. I stared at him for a second, he looked defeated and tired

"Why?"

"Because you're right and there's not a lot we can do about it, everyone is in such a state, everyone is angry at everyone else, even Sam is snapping at people, I mean Sam? He never snaps!"

"I'm not coming back to sooth your guilt. Do something about it!"

"But we can't, it's more…"

"Complicated than that. So you keep saying. But why? Please just tell me why it's complicated, then maybe I'll understand." Josh looked up at me; he seemed desperate to speak and started to open his mouth but then looked back down at the floor,

"Believe me if I could I would, honestly."

"Then there's nothing more to say, I'm not coming back to work for this administration and that's it." he stood up suddenly and grabbed my shoulders,

"Please, Donna I'm sorry we haven't lived up to your expectations, I'm really sorry. I wish I could do more, you know I do. This is the kind of thing I would love to sink my teeth into but I can't. I promise we'll try harder, I promise that I'll try harder. You know I'd move mountains for you Donna, just this one is restricted." he was staring straight into my eyes and his words had shocked and surprised me in their strength, he'd really move mountains for me? At that moment all I wanted to do was kiss him and say I would be back at work tomorrow morning, but there was still limitations on his promises and he still wasn't going to do the one thing I wanted, I didn't care about the other stuff, the HMO's were my concern.

"I'm sorry Josh, I can't." I said quietly as I moved away from his arms and sat in the chair opposite. He stood for a minute or too and then moved towards the door,

"I'll see myself out." he said quietly and the next thing I heard was the front door slam shut. I put my head down and cried.


	7. Chapter 7

****

Wednesday:

"Donna!"

"I'm coming, mom. Just one second, I'm coming." I called upstairs as I sleepily wound my dressing gown around myself and walked up the stairs. I had sent my dad to stay with Sarah, my sister, he was burning out and deserved a little break, so I was on "mom duty" as we all called it now, she was pretty ill now and could do so little for herself.

"What is it, mom?"

"I can't…" she started saying frustrated, she was half in and out of bed, she must have been trying to go to the bathroom by herself again. I sighed and helped her to her feet, she smiled at me,

"You should go back to D.C., that boss of yours won't let you stay here much longer."

"I quit remember mom?" I said, the pain in my own voice almost forcing me to sit down. She was starting to forget things, not a lot but she wasn't as sharp as she'd always been. I walked her to the bathroom as the tears fell down my face, it didn't have to be like this, it shouldn't be like this I kept saying over and over again in my head.

So you can imagine my surprise when I opened the door that morning, still in my dressing gown, no make-up and looking like death, to see Josh stood there smiling sheepishly. Not only was he stood there, but he was stood there in an old pair of jeans and checked shirt.

"I thought you might want some help." he said

"If by turning up in a pair of jeans you expect me to come right back to work, you're dead wrong."

"Actually I have some holiday time to use up and seeing as you need some help I thought I'd stay up here for awhile. This is not a ploy to get you to come back home." I was surprised by the way he called D.C. home, but in our friendship and our world it was home, this place wasn't anymore, it was where my parents lived. I still didn't believe him, but I was really glad he was there, he always made things feel easier.

"Fine, just don't go getting any ideas." I meant it seriously but I couldn't help but smile. 

He was the perfect gentleman all week. He helped make the lunch, he talked to my mom and even made her smile for the first time in days, it made me cry again. He was so careful about everything, he knew when to comfort me and talk to me and when to leave me to myself. I wanted to argue with him, get him to speak about the HMO's but I couldn't bring myself to end this. I felt happier then than I had for along time, just feeling that I wasn't alone in this. When my dad came home he invited Josh to stay for dinner and after much pleading was coaxed into staying. The two of them got on perfectly, Josh even got my dad to smile, which was an even bigger thing than my mom smiling, I had begun to think he would never smile again. I sat and watched them together, realising how much like my dad Josh could be. After dinner we crashed in front of the TV and my dad went up to bed, hoping to get some sleep.

As we sat there watching some trashy film I turned to look at his face and couldn't help but smile at him, I sat there for a while just watching him when he finally turned around looking worried,

"What?"

"Nothing, I was just…thanks so much for…for everything." he smiled at me and put his arm around me, I snuggled into him and felt so safe and that this was how I wanted to spend the rest of my life,

"Well, as I said I had some time off. Things are fairly quiet, or as quiet as they ever get." he said jokingly, but the reminder of work and what had happened there silenced us both.

"When are you going back?"

"On Friday, I can't take any more time off after that." he stopped and we sat in silence for a while, "You're not going to come back ever are you?" he said finally breaking the silence.

"No. You've seen her," I said pointing upstairs to my parents' bedroom, "That would be like saying how she died was ok." I was shocked at myself, I'd just talked about my mom as if she was dead already. Josh didn't say anything, he just held me tighter and we continued to watch the film.

"I'm going to miss you," he said suddenly as we watched the credits roll by. I looked over at him to see he was looking straight at me,

"I'm going to miss you too." I said quietly, unsure of what else to say, where this was headed.

" I think I'm going to go back tomorrow morning, I have a lot of work to catch up on." my heart sank and I nodded. This was probably going to be the last time we saw each other, the man I had lived my life around for four long but wonderful years was leaving and wasn't going to come back, it hurt so much I couldn't stop the tears which ran down my face.

"Hey!" he said as he wiped away the tears, "I'm only a plane trip away ok? Just because you don't work there doesn't mean you can't visit, everyone would love you to come, I would love you to come ok?" he said his eyes searching mine, I nodded but still the tears kept flowing, I just wasn't ready to admit why they kept falling. I moved over to hug him but just as I stretched my arms around him he took my face in his hands and kissed me. It wasn't even like I was shocked, I just fell into it. So hungry for that feeling, it was so soft and gentle and perfect that when it ended I almost cried for the loss of his lips. He smiled and laughed a little at me, then he wiped away a few tears and kissed the top of my head before standing up and grabbing his coat. I walked him to the door and watched as his car drive away, my last image of him being his face in the wing mirror; it looked sad, tired.


	8. Chapter 8

****

Friday:

"Hey your back early, is Donna here?" Sam asked bounding into Josh's office, Josh sat down and began going through his posts before he answered,

"No, she wouldn't come home, so I'm back early." he tried to give a half hearted smile but failed, he frowned when he looked at the post-its his temp had left littered across his desk and then looked up at Sam

"Sam…"

"I know, Josh."

"We have to. She's right. You didn't see her mom; she's dying Sam in the most awful way, its heart breaking. Why should she go through this?" he said half to himself and Sam knew he was talking more about Donna than Donna's mom.

"Trust me, Josh, its been on everyone's mind all week, the President is shouting at Charlie even more than usual. It's eating at everyone."

"Then lets do something. Next staff meeting we should do the right thing." Sam nodded in agreement,

"I'll go talk to Toby, if we have more people on our side to start with we can convince Leo and Bartlet that this worth a little pain for us."

"Ok, I'll see CJ, I know she's dying to get her teeth into this."

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"Is this mutiny?" Sam asked half jokingly

"No, they feel the same they just need someone to start the ball rolling for them." Sam looked at Josh for a second then nodded and walked out of Josh's office.

"CJ?"

"Hey Josh, you're back early. Is Donna with you?" she said looking up from a pile of papers, seemingly glad for the distraction.

"No, she's not coming back. Look, CJ, I've been talking to Sam and…"

"I'm with you." Josh stared at her,

"You don't even know what I was going to say!"

"Josh, you seem to forget how bad a poker face you have, of coarse I'll help push Leo and the President on the HMO's. When are we going to do it?"

"Next staff."

"K, I'll be there," she said smiling; CJ had never missed one staff meeting whereas Josh…well Josh was the kid with a lot of tardy slips.

"Thanks CJ, really!" 

"Hey, it's the right thing to do."

"Toby?" Sam called as he entered Toby's office watching the ball bouncing against the wall, you never knew if he was about to throw it at you.

"What?"

"Josh is back."

"With Donna?" he asked as he stopped bouncing that menacing ball.

"No, she wouldn't come back. We want to talk to Leo and the President on this."  
"What, bringing Donna back?"

"The HMO's, and if that helps bring Donna back then great."

"You know we're doing this for all the wrong reasons."

"Yeah, but she's right. We should have started this ball rolling along time ago."

"Yeah." Toby said staring down at his feet.

"So are you in?"

"What is this, a mutiny?"

"That's just what I said to Josh." Sam smiled then he turned and walked out of the door.

"Sam?"

"Hey, Josh."

"You talked to Toby?" Josh asked looking worried, the last thing he needed was a difficult Toby.

"Yeah, he was fine, he called it a mutiny too. Do you think we should all go wearing eye patches and parrots on out shoulders on Monday morning?" Sam said looking slightly hopeful.

"We could, but I don't think they'd take us very seriously, but if you want to Sam then by all means you can, but I think Leo may have you committed." Sam smiled and nodded.

"This feels really good, doesn't it? I've felt like dirt the past four weeks."

"Join the club, but we're doing something now right?"

"Yeah."

"I hope it works."

"Hope what works?" Leo asked appearing behind the two of them, they couldn't help but jump and Sam let out the tiniest little yelp.

"Nothing, just…just…" Sam stuttered

"We're making a model boat, we just hope that it goes." Josh said quickly, covering for his friend. Leo eyed them both sceptically.

"You're making a model boat?" he said unsure if he was hearing them right.

"Yep, it's a hobby of mine has been for years and Josh is helping me with this new one."

"Oh, you guys should get out more." Leo said gruffly, but you could just see the corners of his mouth turning upward and as he walked away they could both here him chuckling to himself.

"That was close." Sam said

"Way to cover there!" Josh said slapping Sam on the arm.

"Sorry, he startled me. Model boats?"

"It was the first thing that came into my head." Josh said defensively

"You were thinking about model boats?" Sam said smirking

"No, it just popped in there…look can we just leave the subject alone!" Josh said almost whining.

"Sure, I have to go anyway, I have a meeting for the thing on Friday."

"K, good luck." Sam rolled his eyes,

"Thanks, I'm going to need it."

"We all are."


	9. Chapter 9

****

Next Monday:

"So, what's next?"

"That's it Mr. President." Leo said, closing his folder, but just as he was about to get up Josh held up his hand.

"Uh, Mr. President, some of us have something we'd like to talk about."

"Josh, this is not high school, who is some of us?" Bartlet said smiling.

"Well, all of us except you and Leo."

"What, is this mutiny?" Bartlet said laughing,

"That's what we said." Sam and Toby said in unison and then looked at each other startled that they were starting to speak at the same time…scary.

"Well…what is it you want to talk about?" the President asked and Leo frowned at them all, a little annoyed that they'd gone around him on this.

"Well," Sam started, "It's about what Donna said."

"We've been through this," Leo said through gritted teeth.

"But she's right." Josh said, almost desperately, "We should do something."

"Josh, you know the problems."

"Mr. President, if you recall you told us not to run from battles anymore and that we were going to hit the walls running." Sam said, his voice full of feeling. Bartlet looked at them all, his eyes turned on CJ

"CJ, you agree?"

"Mr. President the press aren't going to be silenced for much longer…and it's the right thing to do."

"Let me think about it" Bartlet said, looking at Leo to see his reaction.

"Are you sure this is a wise thing to do, sir?" he said shocked by what seemed to be happening around him.

"I think they may have a point but I'm not sure, yet" Leo frowned at him and when they finally all left, they had barely got out of the door before Leo growled,

"My office now!" they trudged over to his office and stood as he slowly sat in his chair.

"Why wasn't I informed of this little impromptu get together?" the question hung in the air, no one even daring to look at Leo never mind answer him.

"Well?"

"It was Josh's idea!" Sam piped up,

"Thanks, buddy." Josh mumbled and Sam tried to smile at Josh then looked back down at his feet. 

"Josh." Leo started in a much calmer, almost fatherly voice, "I know you miss Donna, we all do but you cannot use your position…"  
"I wasn't!" Josh cried, "Donna was right, that's the thing. She's right and we have just been burying our heads in the sand for far too long."

"This is the right thing to do, Leo. The morally right thing to do."

"And what about the President? You know how this will effect him, you know exactly what it will do to our chances of re-election."

"I thought re-election wasn't important!" Josh said, almost shouting, he was angry at Leo, who for once seemed more worried about polling figures than a moral victory.

"Josh…"

"No, Leo I've heard enough. This is something I feel strongly about, and not just because I can't handle life without my assistant but because she's right!" and before Leo could say a word Josh was out of the door and storming back to his office.

"Leo's only worried about the President." Sam said quietly as he looked around Josh's door. He was smiling and was holding two coffees and a couple of doughnuts.

"What flavour?" Josh said nodding at the doughnuts.

"One's jam and I'm not sure what the other is, maybe cream?" Sam said examining the doughnuts as if they were precious artefacts. He sat down opposite Josh and handed him a coffee,

"Thanks, I know Leo's just protecting Bartlet but…I just thought we'd got over playing safe."

"We're politicians remember, we're always playing it safe." Josh laughed slightly.

"Are you guys still with me on this?"

"Of coarse, Leo chewed us all up a bit after you left, but I just think its frustration more than anything. I think he knows we have to do something, he just knows its going to mess up his best friends chances of re-election, all our chances."

"Not necessarily. If people see that Bartlet is putting his own personal stuff aside for the greater good and he's willing to get his feet dirty for the public it might bump us up a few points."

"Wishful thinking?"

"I hope not."

"So you think Bartlet will say yes?"

"Eventually, I hope so."

"Do you still think this might bring Donna back?"

"I don't know, I don't think so. I think she'll probably never come back, too much stuff happened." Josh said quietly, staring away into nothing.

****

"Mom?" I called quietly, tears falling down my face,

"Hey sweetie." she said even more quietly than me, "How are you?" I laughed at the simpleness of the question, one she'd asked me at least a thousand times in my life.

"I'm fine, mom." I looked down at her, she was having trouble breathing, she hadn't been able to walk for three days now and the doctor didn't believe she had much longer. I couldn't help but think that after Josh had left she'd really started to go down hill, we all had. My father was in such a state he couldn't go and see her for hours on end. He just refused to deal with it. My sister busy with her job, I was left to care for my mom and watching her deteriorate was killing me.

"Do you want some more painkillers mom?"

"Please, honey." she said quietly, she never asked for more medication, no matter how much pain she was in, it was her last defiant act against the doctors but when she was asked she never refused. The pain she must have been in but never showed us must have been unbelievable.

"Where's Josh I haven't seen him all day?"  
"He went home on Wednesday night remember, last week? Remember?" my mom shook her head at her forgetfulness and then sank back into the pillows and began to fall asleep. Was it only last Wednesday, not even a week ago? It felt like forever ago. 

I walked out of the room and down to the porch, it was 10:00 at night but the air was still warm and as I stood on the porch I couldn't help but think about Josh. I wanted to understand, so desperately wanted to understand, help him. He said he'd move mountains for me, and I believed him, or I wanted to believe him so much. But every time I looked in that room and saw what was left of my mother I knew I was right, I knew I had done the right thing, for her if not me. I missed him so much, I missed them all, everything about working in such an amazing place, but most of all him. It was torture to sit and think about what he might be doing, I couldn't watch the news in case he came on. He had been the centre of my world and now he was gone and we both knew it was forever. I had lost him but it was the only thing I could do. It was the right thing to do. At first I had been trying to punish him, but after the last week I realised that that wasn't it, I just couldn't go back, it could never be the same as it was, we would never be the same, he wouldn't be the Josh I had always believed in. 

I stood on the porch staring at the stars that were starting to appear in the night sky, when my world was torn apart by the sound of my dad screaming my name,

"Donna!!!!!!" I turned and ran inside the house, I didn't even think, just ran up the stairs to my parents room. I stood in the doorway and couldn't move any further.


	10. Chapter 10

****

Tuesday:

"Leo…"

"I'm serious!"

"I know, Leo, but I think we have to keep to our promise." Bartlet said quietly as his old friend stared at him, half angry and half worried for him.

"Do you understand what this will mean?"

"Of coarse I do, but that's not the point is it? I think they all have a point; we can't hide this issue for much longer, in fact I'm surprised we've lasted so long, that thing with Seligman could have really blown up but it didn't. I think our grace time is running out."

"So you want to go at this running?"

"You promised them that, you said we'd hit walls running and this is one wall we should." Bartlet said, pointing at his friend, Leo sighed and sat down staring at his hands.

"I know we should do this, I'm just worried what this could do for our chances of re-election."

"This is more important than re-election, if only for Josh." Leo looked up at his friend and nodded. Josh had been lost ever since Donna had left and no one was sure if he was going to cope or for how long. 

"Fine, but I'm not happy about this ok? You want to do it quietly, we don't want anymore fuss then is absolutely necessary."

"How do you keep practically nationalising the Health Management Organisations quiet exactly?" Bartlet laughed, "No, we do this in plain sight." Leo sighed

"How do you want to do it?"

"We have the Democrats fundraiser coming up…"

"Then? You couldn't make it anymore public!"

"I know, maybe if we do it in plain view no one can complain." Leo nodded but didn't look too happy.

"I'll get the staff together."

"I wish I could be there." Bartlet said smiling, "They're going to be ecstatic."

"Yeah." and Leo walked back into his office shouting for Margaret to gather the senior staff.

"What's going on?" CJ asked, concerned as she walked into Leo's office, but when she looked at the three grinning faces she knew, "We're gonna go after the HMO's?"

"Yes, and we're going to do it at the Democrats fundraiser."

"Yes!" CJ said, and started grinning like the others.

"Don't get too excited, this could kill us ok?" they all tried to stop grinning except Josh who was just too happy.

"Toby, Sam, I want this speech to make it completely clear about the Presidents relationship with HMO's, if we hide anything its gonna be used against us. We have to beat them to it, and use it to our advantage." Toby nodded 

"We'd already been working on something." Sam said thinking he was being helpful, Leo gave him an icy look and then sent them all on their way. 

"Hey, Josh!" Sam called after Josh

"Hey" he said turning around and waited for Sam to catch up before resuming his pace.

"So…" Sam said smiling

"So…what?"

"Are you going to call her?"

"Who?" Josh said trying to play dumb

"Donna!"

"No." Josh said, his smile slipping.

"Why not?"

"Because she wont come back, she shouldn't have had to leave for us to do something."

"Did she say that to you?"

"Not in so many words."

"Well, don't count her out yet, k?"

"Yeah." Josh said non-commitedly

"Ring her."

"Maybe, I probably leave her alone, let her make the decision."

"Fine." Sam sighed, frustrated at his friends stupidity. Sam turned off towards his office, just as Josh shouted after him,

"Do a good speech!"

"We will!" Sam said smiling. 

***

I sat next to my father in the waiting room, we held each other as if we might fall if we didn't, my sister said she would come later, she had to drop her kids off at school. The funeral parlour waiting room was surprisingly cheerful, there were prints of beautiful landscapes scattered around the room and the colours were light and almost vibrant. I stared towards the door which I knew we would have to walk through, where my mom was lying in a casket, ready to be buried. Just the thought of what was waiting in there for us made me squeeze my father even more. He had barely spoken since yesterday afternoon when she had finally given up fighting. It was earlier then the doctors had predicted, but these things were never certain they said. She had seemed so peaceful in the bed, as if she'd just gone to sleep again, it was only dad's face, full of horror and sorrow that told me she was dead. 

The funeral was on Friday, it felt like an eternity away. I dreaded the relatives and the flowers and callers, all the stuff I would have to deal with when I got home. My sister was helping out, but she had her own life to lead, I wasn't doing anything. I hadn't even thought about what I was going to do after the funeral. I was going to have to start my life all over again, find a job, maybe go back to college, or just stay and look after dad. I didn't know what I was going to do, I hadn't even had any plans for the future before, I'd just been wrapped up in the world of the West Wing, not daring to wonder what would happen to all of us after the term was up. I would have to write to Josh, or phone him, ask him for a reference. Maybe I could just write to Leo, then I wouldn't have to go through all the pain of trying to speak or put down on paper what I wanted from him. As I sat there, going through what I would write in my head, the funeral director appeared quietly from behind the door I was dreading,

"You can come in now." he said quietly, as if you couldn't speak loudly in this place. I looked over at my dad who tried to smile then instead just stood up. Together we walked through the door, scared of what the shell of the person we had loved so much would look like.


	11. Chapter 11

****

Friday:

I flopped on the sofa and switched on the TV, I didn't know what I was watching only that it was some kind of noise that didn't sound sympathetic or patronising, or saying "she'd had a good life". I sat, totally drained. The funeral was beautiful, or so everyone said, I didn't really listen, I just stared at the coffin unable to believe that my mother was actually in there, I was just waiting for her to come rushing through the church doors at any moment apologising that she was late and had she missed anything. I watched my dad every now and again, unsure of how to comfort him and worried about his health. In the last four days he had begun to deteriorate so fast I knew he wouldn't live much longer, which made my heart ache even more, I would have to go through another of these awful days, awful weeks. But he couldn't live without her and his body just didn't have the will to go on. I held his hand the whole morning and stayed close to him the whole afternoon, trying to savour every last second I had with him. 

I stared blankly at the TV screen, not realising what I was watching until I heard a familiar voice coming out of the speakers. I focused on the man standing at the podium and realised it was President Bartlet. It surprised me, I hadn't seen him in a long time, or it felt like a long time, and to see him stood there felt like I had just stepped back in time. I turned up the volume, interested in what he had to say. I suddenly remembered the last time I'd seen him, it was my last day at the White House, when I had stormed in to their meeting and screamed at them all before running for the taxi and watching as Josh stood in the car park with a look of disbelief on his face. I had been happy to hurt him at the time, now I just hoped he appeared on the screen with Bartlet, who sounded like he was going to say something important.

****

****

The Democrats Fundraiser:

"CJ, what's he going to say?" an eager looking guy with a notepad asked as he trailed behind CJ who was gliding gracefully back towards the hall.

"You'll have to listen Rob, just listen." she said smiling as she walked over to where Sam, Toby and Josh stood anxiously. This was a great moment but could also be the worst moment of their careers.

"Hey guys!" CJ said, trying to lighten the mood

"Sshh!" Toby said as he mimed along to the Presidents words. Sam kept bouncing on the balls of his feet and Josh just stood there with his hands in his pockets staring straight at the President, "This is our bit." Toby said quietly and CJ stood next to the three men and lapsed into silence,

"We have a serious problem in this country." the President said, and the room began to get quiet as they realised something was going to be said, "We are letting thousands of our fellow citizens be killed for profits. We are helping murderers make money." he stopped and looked around the room before carrying on, "Several years ago I worked for these people, I made a lot of money from them, I am ashamed to say. In fact I worked with them to cut costs, to make more money at the expense of peoples lives. This is not something I'm proud of, but it was a job and at the time I needed the money. But I wasn't good enough, I didn't make them as much money as they had wanted and I was fired. Some may say I'm bitter about it, that I would love to get back at them, some would say that I'm a hypocrite because now I say that they are evil but while I was working for them I didn't mind it at all. All of this is true. I am a hypocrite, I am bitter about being fired, who wouldn't be? But whether I am the right person to say it or not doesn't make any difference because it has to be said. HMO's are an evil in our society and something must be done about them. 

"So why have I suddenly decided to take up this crusade? Why didn't I talk about this during the election, or earlier in my term of office? Well, I knew people would say all the things I just said, I would get called all sorts of things and I was worried that it may damage me and my government, and our chances of making big changes in other areas. Or as the papers will put it, I was worried about the polls." Bartlet smiled and laughed slightly at the audience, "So why did I decide to speak out about this now? Well several weeks ago an employee of mine came to speak with me on this subject. Her mother became ill and first of all she could have been diagnosed much earlier if her HMO had allowed for the tests but then to make things much worse for her and her whole family, the HMO would not pay for a treatment which could have, at the very least, prolonged her life and made it more comfortable. The reason? Too expensive, not worth it. But for this ladies family, for my employee, a few extra months, a year or possibly a cure would have meant the world. 

"I am ashamed to say that it took finding about someone dying to wake me up. To make me realise that I had to do something, to stop yet more people dying because of profit margins. So today, I am calling for Health Management Organisations to be made non-profit organisations, run by doctors, to give them government backing and to take out the business men who don't care about patients!" the President cried, the audience began to clap and cheer, the room began to erupt with the noise of people standing. The President smiled and applauded the audience,

"Thank you, enjoy your meal and goodnight." more cheering and more applauding. CJ began to smile as did Sam, even Toby let his lips curl a little into something close to the smile, Josh just stared at Bartlet. 

"Do you think she's watching?" Sam suddenly turned and asked Josh,

"God, I hope so." he said quietly still staring at the President.

"Do you think she'll come back now?"

"I doubt it Sam." Sam put his arm around Josh's shoulders,

"Come one lets go eat." but Josh pulled away and turned towards the doors.

"Nah, I'm going back to the office, I have some stuff to do. Get ready for tomorrow." Sam smiled wearily at him,

"Tomorrows gonna be one hell of a day." he said, "but we did good tonight." he said trying to get his friend to at least try and see the bright side.

"Yeah we did." Josh said smiling a little before he opened the door and left the others to go chow down a four-course meal.

Josh barely watched the rode as he drove back to the White House, he was proud of what they'd done but in some ways it was a shallow victory, if they'd done something before now Donna would still be there, he would be able to enjoy the evening and talk to her about all the stupid stuff she seemed to always know, he'd be happy to hear about British poisonous spiders or anything else that popped out of her head. But she wasn't there and she wasn't going to be again, and that was it. The end, nothing more to say. He kept saying it over and over in his head till it was a certainty, a painful one but a certainty nonetheless. 

He parked in his spot outside the great white building and headed straight for his office. He looked at the mess and wished Donna was there to help him make some sort of sense from it, his temp was no good, he'd have to replace her. He sat down and began going through several pieces of work at once. Work, his favourite remedy, no matter how shitty life had become, work was always there to fall back on. He just needed some coffee to stay awake…

Josh woke with a start, he could swear he smelled fresh coffee, but was sure he never went and got any,

"Huh?" he mumbled to himself, trying to unstick himself from the mound of papers he had fallen asleep on, then he realised there was someone else in the room. He looked up and smiled, 

"I thought you might need something to help you wake up." Donna said quietly, she was smiling and it made the whole room light up

"You brought me coffee?" he smiled back.

"Don't get used to it." she said mock-seriously

"I wouldn't!"

"Good, because this is not going to be a daily occurrence. Though you might get a bagel if you're good."

"Do you have one now?" he said hopefully

"No! I just got off a three hour flight, what do you expect."

"My assistant to do everything she can for my comfort and convenience."

"You got too used to temps." he stood up and walked over to where she was stood.

"They were all useless, they all brought me coffee." and then he kissed her. 


End file.
